Every other day, when friends recount their relatives at a higher position in their career graphs or of people getting married or travelling the world, I wonder what I am doing. I wonder why I am okay being stuck to a routine that bears no consequence – books, series, family, friends and relationship. What am I beyond it? I have always been scared of staying mediocre but this is precisely what I am. And in all certainty, this never bothers me when I am lying on my bed at night and think, what more does a person need? But at the same time, it frightens me out of my wits that I don’t amount to much.
When I cry and scream by the staircase, when everyone else is sleeping, it is usually because I fail to comprehend what my worth is.
What am I doing? Everybody is in a rush and I am simply stuck here. Everyone is becoming or is in the process of becoming someone that matters. But who will remember me, apart from the ones that I love. I will be reduced to ashes or a number, once I am gone. And I cannot bear the thought of never becoming enough. Everything I do revolves around my desire to meet a purpose that I am not fully aware of yet and to just matter enough.
But then at times, when I am comfortable both in my skin and soul, when I am bustling with love for the people that I have in my life, I wonder what the rush is all about. What more does a person need, good food, shelter and company. And despite it all, we are constantly scavenging and pulling others down to climb the invisible ladder.
I see people everywhere who are preparing for an entrance exam for a course that they don’t want to take or are settling for a high paying job that wears them out. Everyone, including me is running to achieve and are desperate for becoming something more. And in this mad rush, we forget to get a life. A life beyond a job or college, a life where we can be grateful for all that we have.
The price of ambition can be too high at times. There might be miles to go before you sleep, but to what avail is travelling such a distance when you don’t cherish what you already have.
These thoughts frighten me. To settle for mediocrity or ambition, and as it turns out, these are our only two choices. To each his own, to take sides or to find a balance. A scary road, either way, both haunts you and makes you question your choice. As of now, I am yet to decide and I am in no position to hurry.